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Review: ‘Ted’ was bearable, if you are into that sort of thing

Your rating: None Average: 3.7 (3 votes)

TedTed is the first movie directed by Seth MacFarlane, most known for his role in creating the hit animated sitcom, Family Guy. I am not a fan.

The sad fact is that a lot of people are in fact fans, and yes, I believe that that is a sad fact. To be clear, I am not down on gross-out humor, and can enjoy it as well as anyone else. Heck, I have done standup comedy, and such gags were a standard part of my sets. Gross-out humor is not my problem with this movie.

The problem is it is pretty much exactly what I expected. It is probably exactly what you expected, too. So, if you expect to like this movie, go on and get your ticket. If not, you can pretend to be a snob with me and the other cool kids, okay?

The Story

The movie opens with a voice over by Patrick Stewart (yes, really) explaining to us that, though we do not believe in magic much anymore, it still does sometimes happen. This is, admittedly, not what I expected, and if the rest of the movie had been like it, I would probably be writing a very different review.

In this case, a lonely boy (who will grow up to be played by Mark Wahlberg) gets a talking teddy bear for Christmas. At first, it can only say “I love you,” but eventually it gets a larger vocabulary thanks to a Christmas wish. At this point, Ted is cute; he has a little kid voice, and he is actually quite adorable. The boy’s parent’s horrified reaction to this completely innocuous being is quite funny, as is Capt. Picard’s deadpan explanation of why nobody seems to care about a giant talking teddy bear during the course of the movie. I won’t spoil it, but it is funny because it is true.

Unfortunately, the voice over disappears until the end of the movie, and the magical bear grows up to become Seth MacFarlane discovering that he is no longer on TV, so he can say the f-word now. His grown up BFF is now dating; his girlfriend (Mila Kunis) wonders if a guy who still hangs out with his teddy bear can grow up. This is the main source of conflict, though a subplot about a creepy guy who still does care about a living teddy bear provides the climax.

The Humor

If you want to see and hear a teddy bear curse, do shots, curse some more, smoke pot, curse again and finally have teddy bear sex, well, here’s your movie. (That last one is mostly offscreen. Don’t be too disappointed.) Also, there will be references to the 80s, since this is a Seth MacFarlane creation.

The problem I had is that the jokes are too easy and all too predictable. For instance, Ted smokes pot, as I have already mentioned. That is the joke. It is not the set up to a punch line. It is not the punch line. It is the entire joke. Ted is doing something naughty. Oh boy.

Another example is a scene where Wahlberg badly sings the song from Octopussy (and I am usually a sucker for Bond stuff) and Ted comments it is still better than Katy Perry. So, what? She’s a pop diva; of course she sucks. Just pointing that out is not funny.

To be a joke, you have to do something with it. For instance, Ted could have noted that in Katy Perry’s case, unlike Marky-Mark’s, you are not supposed to listen to the music; you are supposed to watch the video and masturbate to it. See, it’s dirty and has a dated pop culture reference!

You know what, I think I will just go out on that note. Good night folks, I’ll be here all week.

Comments

Your rating: None Average: 5 (2 votes)

Because of Seth Macfarland being involved with this. I am not going to this movie.

Your rating: None

*watch this movie.

Your rating: None

But it’s makin’ MUN-NEE!! $54,415,205 in only three days! How can any movie that makes $54+ million in only three days not be good, I mean popular? What; you mean that’s not the same thing? “We have met the enemy, and he is us!”, as Pogo Possum used to say. Gee, he’s a cute little furry character who’s known for his adult audience, too. What do you bet that if the Hollywood Suits have anything to say about it, Pogo Possum won’t be saying s*** and f*** soon? “It’s popular – I must see it!”: the motto of all too many people.

Fred Patten

Your rating: None

See also the comments for “Video: A teddy bear with a potty mouth” on 4 April. They should be transferred here.

Fred Patten

Your rating: None Average: 5 (2 votes)

A Teddy Bear swears and does naughty stuff.

Ha. Ha ha. Hah ha ha. Ha. Ha ha. Ha. Woo.

Your rating: None Average: 1 (2 votes)

This was supposed to be right after the brave review...

Two bad bear reviews in a row. It was going to be cute!

I guess you got you revenge, GR!

Your rating: None

I felt it appropriate to mix it up with some chakats (who in turn mix it up with each other, seemingly every paragraph).

Your rating: None

A freaky bear/chakat/bear three-way?

That's...

That's not cute at all.

Your rating: None

I think what you see as cute and what I see as cute are in completely different ballparks, then.

Your rating: None Average: 5 (2 votes)

I saw commercials for this movie, and immediately added it to the list of movies I need to rent on Bad Movie Night. Something that's probably tolerable but if it is someone's favorite movie I will judge them.

Not going to waste money on a movie ticket to see it. I'd rather pay for the cell phone and feeding my caffeine addiction, thank you very much.

Your rating: None Average: 5 (1 vote)

Wow, that is actually a good line about the judging.

Your rating: None

This was supposed to be its own comment.

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I kinda figured that. You gotta be careful sometimes.

By the way, the furry fandom would have lost all bonus points for Madagascar 3 just for making me watch these two movies that I didn't want to and didn't end up enjoying. After the Brave thing, boy howdy friends ...

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...the furry fandom would have lost all bonus points for Madagascar 3 just for making me watch these two movies that I didn't want to...

Each man controls his own destiny. Let any tell you different, and you make yourself slave to their whims.

Your rating: None Average: 5 (1 vote)

When a guy asks for a favor, and you do it for him, and that guy bitches about it, fuck that guy.

Confucius said that.

Your rating: None Average: 5 (1 vote)

I like "before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves" - you know there's always someone you find you need to knock off on the way.

Your rating: None

The only appropriate response to that is, "Yeah, one for the big one, and one for the little one."

Your rating: None

I thought it was decent (like 3 of 5 stars). But I'll tell ya it is essentially one of the lesser 'good' family guy plots strung up with humor Family Guy wishes it could have if it aired with the Secret Stash on Comedy Central (i.e., it is totally uncensored).

Most of the jokes are hit an miss for the audience I sat in with (a Sunday afternoon crowd on a hot day), but if you enjoy a fraction of Family Guy humor, you may get your money's worth from a matinee ticket price. I wouldn't see this at it's costliest though.

Your rating: None

Now that they've got animated stuffed animals doing real world-ish situations, maybe they can get around to filming the Tim Davy's Mollisan Town series :P

Your rating: None

I liked it. I am a big fan of Family Guy and although this movie did not fulfill my expectations 100%, it got pretty darn close. I wrote my own review of Ted, and also got my hands on some never-before seen footage that is out of this world hilarious. Check it out at – onlinemoviereviews.org/tedreview/

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About the author

crossaffliction (Brendan Kachel)read storiescontact (login required)

a reporter and Red Fox from Hooker, Oklahoma, interested in movies, horror, stand up comedy

Formerly Wichita's only furry comic.