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Alienated Furry Wants to Go to Mars
Dear Papa Bear,
I wrote you a little while back about a love lost and must admit it felt kind of nice to hear reassuring words from someone else. It gave me a little perspective about myself from a third party stance. I'd like to throw another item your way to get some feedback on. If YOU, the readers, feel the same way about the subject(s) I'm about to throw out then feel free to contact me via Papa Bear [Papabear says: please don’t. If you want to leave a message about this letter, please put it in the Comments below. Thank you]. To say the least...
I am at a loss. I have been alive for closing in on 26 years and am at a loss for words for the entire world around me. I'm going to go back in time to about age 10 when I first started building any real values on life.
From the days of my childhood I was a troubled little boy in many aspects. Thinking about it now I probably did the things I did because I had an inability to deal with the world around me. Rage was a definite factor in that period of my life, mainly due to the fact that the parental units I was stuck with felt the need to constrict me by binding me to “human” standards. Ever since I can remember I've always been different. From the post I wrote about falling in love in childhood to everything else I've always operated on a different level. I tend to use the analogy that if everyone is a PC then their mental software is Windows, meanwhile I run Linux. We all do mostly the same thing in the end, however it's how to get there that defines us. Getting back to what I was saying earlier...
I've always dealt with things differently throughout life. It used to be more of a carnal method of dealing with problems, but now I come from a standpoint of logic. A good example of this would be during my elementary school years when I was getting harassed by bullies, happens to some of us, however I set him right by gross reality. Instead of giving in to the system that shuns self-defense and character I took things to an extreme that at the time I felt appropriate. I brought a metal mathematical compass to school and cornered the bully next chance he tried to engage with me. My intention was to kill him. I know, extreme. I'm not ashamed of this, I mean I am only subject to the same laws of psychology as any other primate, being that I am physically of a human body. If I had to really dissect that situation and look for what caused me to go to such an end I would attribute it to... bad parenting.
I won't lie, parents are a big problem for me. Everyone that's called me their son across my life has either left me or proved that they are so grossly unqualified to be a parent that I am left with just me. I can't even say I have a mother anymore, it's pathetic. I don't know the best way to explain to a parent the plight of a child in my situation whereby your mental orientation is much different than that of an everyday Joe. Suffice to say that I fully believe that I was gift-wrapped with a mental image to be deployed gradually throughout my life. It's really no wonder why over 90% of traditional parenting methods used on me never worked. I can easily say that as I age there is a mental package that unravels itself deploying the tools and mindsets that craft my personality and processing abilities. I do believe that if there is a god or some universal formula for genius (and I don't boast this) that I was either chosen for a purpose in life or got really lucky, genetically speaking.
What is it that I need advice on or am fluxed about?... People. That's the general word. From HS onward I have generally learned to distrust and even hate others. It used to be because of an intellectual difference but now the frustration stems from my inability to see eye to eye with humanity. Over time, with much research and observation, I grew distant from society and humanity. I've questioned who I am time and time again and what my purpose is in this universe. Although that answer is still pervasive I have concluded that with my advanced gifts I'm meant for something big. For years, ever since I got fed up, I've dreamed of two things... Ending the use of money and forming a new, more accountable, government. That dream still remains active.
There is a wide gap between me and everyone else. I don't identify as human anymore and although I am in the US, want my own government. I want to go to Mars with enough provisions for generations to come and show everyone what I try to do for them so often. My life is a life of service to this species in that I know I can better their society through example, but money gets in my way. I am once again as conflicted as I once was as a child. Here I have an extraordinary will but find myself stopped by idiocracy. I can't stand it anymore. I feel like I am being choked here not being heard or taken seriously. I'm not kidding that if it weren't for a certain financial status I have with the federal government I would have returned all forms of identification and any documents ever recorded against me and declared my territory. I am not happy. I look at the world around me and fear for what is to come for humanity. I wish to change that course for as many people as I can, but retain quips because of the past. I just feel alien amongst everyone, like this isn't where I belong. I want to go into space and leave Earth. I wish to seek asylum elsewhere, free from the bonds earthly problems. I do have a fledgling plan in mind that could theoretically gain momentum and get me to Mars, but that requires some serious partnerships.
Well I've gone on long enough. Papa Bear, how would you deal with feeling like an alien on your own planet? How would you deal with reaching a level of intelligence that turns your mental calendar decades ahead? I'm at a loss. I want to go home but don't know where home is.
RedFox
* * *
Hi, RedFox,
Interesting letter. Well, let me begin with the easier part—your feelings of alienation. Many people in the world feel alienated, and I believe that one reason a lot of furries are furries is because they feel alienated from Homo sapiens. Years ago, before I knew what furry was, I felt alienated by modern technology and longed for a simpler time with no cars, computers, and a simpler society overall. I didn’t like how complicated we had made the world; I was, basically, a Luddite. Eventually, I discovered my bearness, strongly relating to Bear Spirit and a simpler way of life, which is what attracts me to the furry fandom, among other things.
So I can sympathize with your desire to separate from our modern American society, but I’m not really following your train of thought. A trip to Mars to form a colony of some type would cost billions of dollars and require (as you even noted) partnerships with many people, people you would have to have to get this accomplished, and people, as you said, you can’t relate to and don’t like. The people involvement aside, where would you get so much money (your “certain financial status” with the government being in the form of financial assistance, I am betting, which indicates you are broke—am I right?), and such a mission takes literally years and years of planning and training. Even the U.S. government is having trouble coming up with money to run its space program. Unless you are in possession of super-smarts, a secret diamond mine, and have a genius plan to do this, I find the Mars option improbable, nay, impossible for you.
Likewise, your notion of forming a new government somewhere seems unlikely. While it is not overly difficult to renounce one’s citizenship and move to another country, founding your own independent state is far more difficult. For one thing, pretty much every scrap of land on this planet has been claimed by one country or another (except, I believe, Antarctica, which is not a very hospitable place to live), so in order to create your own country you would have to take land from another country. Countries don’t tend to like that very much for some reason and would probably object, making their point with big guns and bombs. Similarly, overthrowing the current monetary system would take a national or even international revolution against those in power. Even if you had the chutzpah and charisma to gain a large following (and we’re talking millions of people, if you want to be serious about this) and become their leader, that again lands you in the problem of dealing with humans and having them like you, which, if you don’t like them, is hard to do.
Let’s get realistic here. What we need to deal with is your troubled past, your conflict with parents, and, sounds like, several stepparents who let you down; bullies at school; and this immense anger that almost led you to kill. These are all disturbing. You could really benefit from some professional counseling and anger management.
The answer is not to overthrow society or to reject society utterly like Dr. Manhattan from Watchmen, the answer is to find peace within yourself. It is easy to blame your anger and sadness on “bad parenting.” I think many people have done that, me included. Eventually, though, you need to grow up and take charge of your own life and destiny. You come to a point—hopefully—where you must become independent of other adults, trim your sails, and navigate your own course. Part of becoming an adult, which allows you to do this, is learning how to deal with other people. Unless you know how to grow your own food, weave your own clothes, build your own home, husband your own domestic animals, generate your own energy, find your own, clean water source, etc., you will need other people in your life to help you.
Perhaps the key is to find others who have similar views to your own. The furry fandom might help with that. There are people within it, such as therians and otherkin, who might empathize with your feeling that you are not fully or even partly human. You are not really clear on how you truly feel inside (alien? animal? other-dimensional being? superbeing?) so I can’t guide you in that direction, but the Internet is a remarkable tool for locating and beginning dialogues with people who share your interests and feelings (I had no clue what furries were before I found the Internet, which didn’t exist when I was a cub). I would suggest you explore that option rather than isolating yourself entirely from all sentient beings on this planet, which, for the moment, is pretty much limited to Homo sapiens (perhaps some cetacean species and ape species, but I have a feeling you won’t associate well with chimps or dolphins, either).
If it is a matter of pure intelligence that separates you, there are a lot of brilliant people out there. If your intellect is truly such that it is of “a level of intelligence that turns your mental calendar decades ahead,” then you should contact Mensa (www.mensa.org), the society specifically created for highly intelligent people. They have a 30-minute test on their website to see if your IQ meets their standards. I’m sure, since you assert you are brilliant, you will pass the test. Then, you can join the ranks of a very elite group of men and women and find a more stimulating environment suitable to your abilities.
In short, Papabear would advise you not to leave the planet, overthrow the monetary system, or form your own country. Papabear would advise you to learn how to deal with your anger (possibly with the help of some therapy) and seek out people who are more like you so that you may get some healthy social interaction and feel more at home on our little blue ball of a planet.
Good luck,
Papabear
I wrote you a little while back about a love lost and must admit it felt kind of nice to hear reassuring words from someone else. It gave me a little perspective about myself from a third party stance. I'd like to throw another item your way to get some feedback on. If YOU, the readers, feel the same way about the subject(s) I'm about to throw out then feel free to contact me via Papa Bear [Papabear says: please don’t. If you want to leave a message about this letter, please put it in the Comments below. Thank you]. To say the least...
I am at a loss. I have been alive for closing in on 26 years and am at a loss for words for the entire world around me. I'm going to go back in time to about age 10 when I first started building any real values on life.
From the days of my childhood I was a troubled little boy in many aspects. Thinking about it now I probably did the things I did because I had an inability to deal with the world around me. Rage was a definite factor in that period of my life, mainly due to the fact that the parental units I was stuck with felt the need to constrict me by binding me to “human” standards. Ever since I can remember I've always been different. From the post I wrote about falling in love in childhood to everything else I've always operated on a different level. I tend to use the analogy that if everyone is a PC then their mental software is Windows, meanwhile I run Linux. We all do mostly the same thing in the end, however it's how to get there that defines us. Getting back to what I was saying earlier...
I've always dealt with things differently throughout life. It used to be more of a carnal method of dealing with problems, but now I come from a standpoint of logic. A good example of this would be during my elementary school years when I was getting harassed by bullies, happens to some of us, however I set him right by gross reality. Instead of giving in to the system that shuns self-defense and character I took things to an extreme that at the time I felt appropriate. I brought a metal mathematical compass to school and cornered the bully next chance he tried to engage with me. My intention was to kill him. I know, extreme. I'm not ashamed of this, I mean I am only subject to the same laws of psychology as any other primate, being that I am physically of a human body. If I had to really dissect that situation and look for what caused me to go to such an end I would attribute it to... bad parenting.
I won't lie, parents are a big problem for me. Everyone that's called me their son across my life has either left me or proved that they are so grossly unqualified to be a parent that I am left with just me. I can't even say I have a mother anymore, it's pathetic. I don't know the best way to explain to a parent the plight of a child in my situation whereby your mental orientation is much different than that of an everyday Joe. Suffice to say that I fully believe that I was gift-wrapped with a mental image to be deployed gradually throughout my life. It's really no wonder why over 90% of traditional parenting methods used on me never worked. I can easily say that as I age there is a mental package that unravels itself deploying the tools and mindsets that craft my personality and processing abilities. I do believe that if there is a god or some universal formula for genius (and I don't boast this) that I was either chosen for a purpose in life or got really lucky, genetically speaking.
What is it that I need advice on or am fluxed about?... People. That's the general word. From HS onward I have generally learned to distrust and even hate others. It used to be because of an intellectual difference but now the frustration stems from my inability to see eye to eye with humanity. Over time, with much research and observation, I grew distant from society and humanity. I've questioned who I am time and time again and what my purpose is in this universe. Although that answer is still pervasive I have concluded that with my advanced gifts I'm meant for something big. For years, ever since I got fed up, I've dreamed of two things... Ending the use of money and forming a new, more accountable, government. That dream still remains active.
There is a wide gap between me and everyone else. I don't identify as human anymore and although I am in the US, want my own government. I want to go to Mars with enough provisions for generations to come and show everyone what I try to do for them so often. My life is a life of service to this species in that I know I can better their society through example, but money gets in my way. I am once again as conflicted as I once was as a child. Here I have an extraordinary will but find myself stopped by idiocracy. I can't stand it anymore. I feel like I am being choked here not being heard or taken seriously. I'm not kidding that if it weren't for a certain financial status I have with the federal government I would have returned all forms of identification and any documents ever recorded against me and declared my territory. I am not happy. I look at the world around me and fear for what is to come for humanity. I wish to change that course for as many people as I can, but retain quips because of the past. I just feel alien amongst everyone, like this isn't where I belong. I want to go into space and leave Earth. I wish to seek asylum elsewhere, free from the bonds earthly problems. I do have a fledgling plan in mind that could theoretically gain momentum and get me to Mars, but that requires some serious partnerships.
Well I've gone on long enough. Papa Bear, how would you deal with feeling like an alien on your own planet? How would you deal with reaching a level of intelligence that turns your mental calendar decades ahead? I'm at a loss. I want to go home but don't know where home is.
RedFox
* * *
Hi, RedFox,
Interesting letter. Well, let me begin with the easier part—your feelings of alienation. Many people in the world feel alienated, and I believe that one reason a lot of furries are furries is because they feel alienated from Homo sapiens. Years ago, before I knew what furry was, I felt alienated by modern technology and longed for a simpler time with no cars, computers, and a simpler society overall. I didn’t like how complicated we had made the world; I was, basically, a Luddite. Eventually, I discovered my bearness, strongly relating to Bear Spirit and a simpler way of life, which is what attracts me to the furry fandom, among other things.
So I can sympathize with your desire to separate from our modern American society, but I’m not really following your train of thought. A trip to Mars to form a colony of some type would cost billions of dollars and require (as you even noted) partnerships with many people, people you would have to have to get this accomplished, and people, as you said, you can’t relate to and don’t like. The people involvement aside, where would you get so much money (your “certain financial status” with the government being in the form of financial assistance, I am betting, which indicates you are broke—am I right?), and such a mission takes literally years and years of planning and training. Even the U.S. government is having trouble coming up with money to run its space program. Unless you are in possession of super-smarts, a secret diamond mine, and have a genius plan to do this, I find the Mars option improbable, nay, impossible for you.
Likewise, your notion of forming a new government somewhere seems unlikely. While it is not overly difficult to renounce one’s citizenship and move to another country, founding your own independent state is far more difficult. For one thing, pretty much every scrap of land on this planet has been claimed by one country or another (except, I believe, Antarctica, which is not a very hospitable place to live), so in order to create your own country you would have to take land from another country. Countries don’t tend to like that very much for some reason and would probably object, making their point with big guns and bombs. Similarly, overthrowing the current monetary system would take a national or even international revolution against those in power. Even if you had the chutzpah and charisma to gain a large following (and we’re talking millions of people, if you want to be serious about this) and become their leader, that again lands you in the problem of dealing with humans and having them like you, which, if you don’t like them, is hard to do.
Let’s get realistic here. What we need to deal with is your troubled past, your conflict with parents, and, sounds like, several stepparents who let you down; bullies at school; and this immense anger that almost led you to kill. These are all disturbing. You could really benefit from some professional counseling and anger management.
The answer is not to overthrow society or to reject society utterly like Dr. Manhattan from Watchmen, the answer is to find peace within yourself. It is easy to blame your anger and sadness on “bad parenting.” I think many people have done that, me included. Eventually, though, you need to grow up and take charge of your own life and destiny. You come to a point—hopefully—where you must become independent of other adults, trim your sails, and navigate your own course. Part of becoming an adult, which allows you to do this, is learning how to deal with other people. Unless you know how to grow your own food, weave your own clothes, build your own home, husband your own domestic animals, generate your own energy, find your own, clean water source, etc., you will need other people in your life to help you.
Perhaps the key is to find others who have similar views to your own. The furry fandom might help with that. There are people within it, such as therians and otherkin, who might empathize with your feeling that you are not fully or even partly human. You are not really clear on how you truly feel inside (alien? animal? other-dimensional being? superbeing?) so I can’t guide you in that direction, but the Internet is a remarkable tool for locating and beginning dialogues with people who share your interests and feelings (I had no clue what furries were before I found the Internet, which didn’t exist when I was a cub). I would suggest you explore that option rather than isolating yourself entirely from all sentient beings on this planet, which, for the moment, is pretty much limited to Homo sapiens (perhaps some cetacean species and ape species, but I have a feeling you won’t associate well with chimps or dolphins, either).
If it is a matter of pure intelligence that separates you, there are a lot of brilliant people out there. If your intellect is truly such that it is of “a level of intelligence that turns your mental calendar decades ahead,” then you should contact Mensa (www.mensa.org), the society specifically created for highly intelligent people. They have a 30-minute test on their website to see if your IQ meets their standards. I’m sure, since you assert you are brilliant, you will pass the test. Then, you can join the ranks of a very elite group of men and women and find a more stimulating environment suitable to your abilities.
In short, Papabear would advise you not to leave the planet, overthrow the monetary system, or form your own country. Papabear would advise you to learn how to deal with your anger (possibly with the help of some therapy) and seek out people who are more like you so that you may get some healthy social interaction and feel more at home on our little blue ball of a planet.
Good luck,
Papabear
"Reddits" fursona.
What type of species/color/anything else would you think be fitting for a reddit fursona.
submitted by I_RAPE_FURSUITERS[link] [20 comments]
Categories: News
Looking for feedback on my anthro art!
Categories: News
Daily Show: December 13, 2012 - Can you have too much of a good thing? What are the dangers of allowing something you enjoy to take up too much of your time, and are there reasonable limits? For this episode, we discuss a proverb encouraging moderation in
Can you have too much of a good thing? What are the dangers of allowing something you enjoy to take up too much of your time, and are there reasonable limits? For this episode, we discuss a proverb encouraging moderation in all things.
Hosts: Levi, Spenser, Wolfin
Podcast image by Michaela Kobyakov
Categories: Podcasts
New Kevin Frane Novel Soon
Kevin Frane, author of The Seventh Chakra (nominated for an Ursa Major Award in 2011) returns this January with a new novel called Summerhill. Fur Planet will release it in both hardcover and softcover, starting at Further Confusion in San Jose. “Summerhill is a dog with a problem: he isn’t exactly sure who he is. Living alone in a desolate world as its only inhabitant, he has no memories of his previous life—only the tantalizing clue that the answers he seeks may lie with a mysterious woman named Katherine, the hostess on a cruise ship that sails between dimensions. But Katherine has problems of her own, and if Summerhill wants her help in unlocking the secrets of his past, he’ll have to help Katherine deal with hers. Together, the two will travel to different worlds, different times, and different universes in a journey where each new stop has both fantastic discoveries and deadly threats in wait, and where the rules of reality can change as easily as weather.” Check out Fur Planet’s Live Journal to pre-order a copy.
image c. 2012 Sofawolf Press
Categories: News
Taking a census here: Redditors at FC?
(Name changed to protect people that actually needed to think what the callsign for Redditors was. I thought "baconers" was a witty name, since it's what the narwhal does at midnight. I was obviously wrong. Aaaaanyway...)
So. In about a month. Who's in? Anywhere/time you guys wanna meet? Anyone got any Reddit-themed panels lined up? Any special funtime activities planned? Tournaments on gaming systems?
Let's talk.
submitted by Lenoh[link] [14 comments]
Categories: News
any feed back on my commission sheet? did I miss any important information I should include?
Categories: News
Just Finished My 1st 100% Streamed Request! :D
Categories: News
Fursuit vignette: ‘Merry XXXmas from Room 366?
Author: Fred I did not vote for Bitter Lake, but I will for this 2’54” December 2012 video Christmas card! An intelligent film, designed for the limitations of fursuits, by Reeve, EZwolf, and Shay, with music by Fox Amoore. It is already on the UMA’s 2012 Recommended Anthropomorphic Dramatic Short Work or Series list. Find the [...]
Categories: News
Yarn tails?
I see all these post of people making tails out of yarn. Any information on how to do it?
submitted by SolusKrieger[link] [9 comments]
Categories: News
Get Crunk with a Hot Christmas
So TaniDaReal did a cool thing I thought I post up here for your entertainment. She post per FA a receipt for “Hot Christmas Punch” and it looks goooddd. Those Germans know to make a drink for sure. Tani went on also to say that her wolf Calendar this year was just not possible so I guess she gave us this for replacement? I will tell you I’d rather have this then somethn’ on my wall because, this is somethn’ that will make some fun times. Check out the thing here!
Categories: News
Animation: Super Jew vs. the non-kosher pigs
Author: Fred For Hannukah, the Cartoon Brew brings us this 3’42” film from independent animator Nadav Nachmany’s Kniedalach Productions of Jerusalem, Samurai Jew: The Eighth Night, about a Jewish superhero fighting evil ninja pigs to save an anthropomorphic jelly doughnut. (Nachmany spells it ‘Channukah’). Find the full article here: flayrah – furry food for thought [...]
Categories: News
I needs some halp
I have been kinda lurking around this subreddit for a while, and would like to get into the furry community. Can i just get like... a tour guide? I dont know how to put it, just someone to help explain this fandom to me.
submitted by DrHooves44[link] [16 comments]
Categories: News
Holiday Relatives' Visit and Mate's Move Are Stressing Out This Furry
Hey papa bear,
I’ve been struggling a lot lately with stress and life in general.
My family has a lot of crap that always comes up, yet I can't say anything and I’m supposed to just take all the bullying from the external sides of the family during the holidays. Seeing this pressure stresses my mom out to the point every year, in November she loves Christmas but as soon as it's December, she's about to have a nervous breakdown from the external family taking everything out on her.
On top of that stuff, my mate is trying to move out to a friend's house in California as quickly as possible, but I’m getting more and more stressed out by how hard he's having it now where he lives currently.
I don't know what to do anymore papa bear.... I feel like I’m either a ticking time bomb waiting to explode and just nuke everyone with a rant and my emotions. Yet at the same time, I feel like I’m being sucked back into the depression I had during junior high school when I wanted to kill myself.
Am I taking all this to heart WAY too much and am making myself go insane, or am I being too selfish and need to focus on my immediate family and mate and help them out?
very confused pup,
Owen
* * *
Dear Owen,
Ah, the traditions of Christmas.... eggnog, festive trees, the lights, the garland, food, relatives and STRESS! By “external” relatives, Papabear gathers you mean the “extended” family, such as uncles, cousins and such? And it sounds like they all flock to your house, where your mom has to cook and clean for them and entertain them. She sounds like the kind of person who takes a lot on herself to try and make everyone happy.
People often put stress on themselves. This is something Papabear is very guilty of himself, so take my advice with a grain of salt because I have a hard time following it myself. I’m betting you take after your mother, allowing things beyond your control to stress you out and even inviting in more stress into your life unnecessarily. But, too, you mention this “bullying” by your relatives. I’m not sure what that means, but it doesn’t sound like something loving family members should be doing.
Then there is also your mate and your concern for his move and his home situation that is causing you stress.
One thing we need to learn in life is to not get stressed over things that are beyond our control. You, Owen, cannot control how your mother reacts to relatives and the stress she puts on herself, nor can you control what is happening to your mate. In both cases, you can offer your love and support, but you need to adopt a Buddhist attitude and not burden yourself with other people’s stress.
As for your relatives, you say you are “supposed to just take all the bullying” from them and keep your mouth shut. Given that you have a mate, you are old enough to defend yourself. This is what I call “getting your GRRR on.” You should not have to take verbal or physical abuse from anyone, and if your parents tell you to “just take it” they are not being supportive and loving parents. The extreme end of this is parents not listening to their children when they have been sexually harassed by a relative (a situation Papabear has seen several times from letter writers). Wouldn’t you say those victims have the right to their family’s support? Same goes for whatever is happening to you. You have a right not to take abuse from others and to stand up for yourself. Period. If is to the point of, God forbid, criminal abuse, and your parents don’t listen, then time to contact police or social services. If it is just teasing and making fun of you, then make fun at them back, tease them back. Don’t allow yourself to be a doormat to nasty people. Even though blood is supposedly “thicker than water,” that doesn’t give your relatives license to be cruel to you.
That said, I must continue with this comment: you suggest you might become suicidal from all of this stress just as you were back in junior high. Really? Suicidal because your family is being a pain and your mate is having a stressful move? Owen, try and get a little perspective here. These situations, while a pain in the butt, are certainly FAR from cause for committing such a drastic act. Actually, there is NO cause for suicide Papabear can think of (with the possible exception of suffering excruciating pain from a terminal illness; I’m not advocating that, but it is understandable).
I’m glad you wrote to me, Owen. I hope this letter gives you a little objective perspective. When we are living within our own lives and our own perspective, sometimes things seem magnified and more desperate than they really are. Are you in good health? No one in your life is grievously sick or dying? You have enough money to get by? A place to sleep, food to eat, clothes to wear? Then you can get through this without doing anything radical.
In the meantime, you need some stress relief. Papabear always advocates exercise and meditation to help. There’s another thing, too, if I may be a little naughty: sex. I’m not sure where you live in relation to your mate, and I’m assuming you’re of legal age for this, but a terrific way to relieve yourself of stress would be to perform some mattress athletics with your mate *wink wink*.
So, Owen, take a deeeeeeeeeeeep breath, realize you are not in charge of everyone’s life and therefore not responsible for their stress (though you can offer help), defend yourself from derpy relatives, and relieve your stress with exercise and meditation techniques.
Good luck! You can get through this!
Papabear
I’ve been struggling a lot lately with stress and life in general.
My family has a lot of crap that always comes up, yet I can't say anything and I’m supposed to just take all the bullying from the external sides of the family during the holidays. Seeing this pressure stresses my mom out to the point every year, in November she loves Christmas but as soon as it's December, she's about to have a nervous breakdown from the external family taking everything out on her.
On top of that stuff, my mate is trying to move out to a friend's house in California as quickly as possible, but I’m getting more and more stressed out by how hard he's having it now where he lives currently.
I don't know what to do anymore papa bear.... I feel like I’m either a ticking time bomb waiting to explode and just nuke everyone with a rant and my emotions. Yet at the same time, I feel like I’m being sucked back into the depression I had during junior high school when I wanted to kill myself.
Am I taking all this to heart WAY too much and am making myself go insane, or am I being too selfish and need to focus on my immediate family and mate and help them out?
very confused pup,
Owen
* * *
Dear Owen,
Ah, the traditions of Christmas.... eggnog, festive trees, the lights, the garland, food, relatives and STRESS! By “external” relatives, Papabear gathers you mean the “extended” family, such as uncles, cousins and such? And it sounds like they all flock to your house, where your mom has to cook and clean for them and entertain them. She sounds like the kind of person who takes a lot on herself to try and make everyone happy.
People often put stress on themselves. This is something Papabear is very guilty of himself, so take my advice with a grain of salt because I have a hard time following it myself. I’m betting you take after your mother, allowing things beyond your control to stress you out and even inviting in more stress into your life unnecessarily. But, too, you mention this “bullying” by your relatives. I’m not sure what that means, but it doesn’t sound like something loving family members should be doing.
Then there is also your mate and your concern for his move and his home situation that is causing you stress.
One thing we need to learn in life is to not get stressed over things that are beyond our control. You, Owen, cannot control how your mother reacts to relatives and the stress she puts on herself, nor can you control what is happening to your mate. In both cases, you can offer your love and support, but you need to adopt a Buddhist attitude and not burden yourself with other people’s stress.
As for your relatives, you say you are “supposed to just take all the bullying” from them and keep your mouth shut. Given that you have a mate, you are old enough to defend yourself. This is what I call “getting your GRRR on.” You should not have to take verbal or physical abuse from anyone, and if your parents tell you to “just take it” they are not being supportive and loving parents. The extreme end of this is parents not listening to their children when they have been sexually harassed by a relative (a situation Papabear has seen several times from letter writers). Wouldn’t you say those victims have the right to their family’s support? Same goes for whatever is happening to you. You have a right not to take abuse from others and to stand up for yourself. Period. If is to the point of, God forbid, criminal abuse, and your parents don’t listen, then time to contact police or social services. If it is just teasing and making fun of you, then make fun at them back, tease them back. Don’t allow yourself to be a doormat to nasty people. Even though blood is supposedly “thicker than water,” that doesn’t give your relatives license to be cruel to you.
That said, I must continue with this comment: you suggest you might become suicidal from all of this stress just as you were back in junior high. Really? Suicidal because your family is being a pain and your mate is having a stressful move? Owen, try and get a little perspective here. These situations, while a pain in the butt, are certainly FAR from cause for committing such a drastic act. Actually, there is NO cause for suicide Papabear can think of (with the possible exception of suffering excruciating pain from a terminal illness; I’m not advocating that, but it is understandable).
I’m glad you wrote to me, Owen. I hope this letter gives you a little objective perspective. When we are living within our own lives and our own perspective, sometimes things seem magnified and more desperate than they really are. Are you in good health? No one in your life is grievously sick or dying? You have enough money to get by? A place to sleep, food to eat, clothes to wear? Then you can get through this without doing anything radical.
In the meantime, you need some stress relief. Papabear always advocates exercise and meditation to help. There’s another thing, too, if I may be a little naughty: sex. I’m not sure where you live in relation to your mate, and I’m assuming you’re of legal age for this, but a terrific way to relieve yourself of stress would be to perform some mattress athletics with your mate *wink wink*.
So, Owen, take a deeeeeeeeeeeep breath, realize you are not in charge of everyone’s life and therefore not responsible for their stress (though you can offer help), defend yourself from derpy relatives, and relieve your stress with exercise and meditation techniques.
Good luck! You can get through this!
Papabear
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