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Dear Papabear,

Should I be feeling the way I am?

Lately I've been feeling rather lonely, despite being with some of my closest friends. The thing is, they are all older than I am, older to the point where they can go places I can't. They always come back happy and tell me all about how much fun they had, while I was wondering if they were going to text back. I can't help but feel left out whenever that happens, and every time it hurts a little, because I want to be part of the fun too, but I just cant.
Recently, one of them - One I was really close with - Came back telling me they met someone they can 'have for their own', and they always used to hug me and say 'mine'.. I cant help but feel abandoned or replaced now, and nothing has made me feel any better.
On top of it all, I love one of them, but I just get the feeling it's not mutual, he says he likes me a [lot] too, but he always seems to be too busy to say anything to me, if I don't start the conversation, it doesn't happen. As if to emphasize that, he was in town a couple days ago, but he never said anything to me, nor did he say he was even coming in. I was left at home, as always, wondering if he would text back.
It wasn't until this morning that he did, and still he hardly said anything. He never even mentioned he was in town, the only reason I knew he was was because he was with one of my other friends, and they were talking about it.
All of these things have just been making me feel more and more depressed, to the point where I don't want to do anything, eat, sleep, talk to anyone, I just want to sit alone, and the worst part about it is no one asks if I'm okay, because they hardly say anything to me anyways.
Should I be feeling like this or am I just being melodramatic?

Blitz.

[Papabear needed a little more information before answering Blitz, so he emailed him back, sending him a hug and asking for a little more detail. Blitz wrote back the following.]

*Hugs back tight*

I turn 16 this year.

Its not that I have trouble making friends with people my age, I can, and I have, but with any of my friends closer to my age, I just can’t show any kinds of feelings like I can for my furrier, older friends. I haven't known them all for too long (almost a year now) but even so, I know them and they know me more than my other friends, I can hug them and it’s not awkward, and with them anything like cuddles or snuggles is practically second nature. Most of them are aged around 21, except for the one who I feel closest with, the one who I have such deep feelings for. He turns 18 this year, so not a huge age difference, but it is enough I guess.
He is the only person I've ever met who I feel comfortable talking to on any subject.

I haven't said much to anyone because of course they'll try to include me more, but it would be to make me feel better, not necessarily because they really want to.

They don't do a lot of going to bars, or even drinking for that matter, it's just that they do things I can't, or they just choose not to include me.
As far as words, I am a very quiet person, to anyone. I just don't say much, I'm shy.

There is a meet that happens every year around here, and they've all said they want me to come, but, do they really?

For most of them, we all like to snuggle, cuddle, hug, and then we all like to go to the mall, or go see a movie, or go out to eat, the usual.

It's probably not the way it should be, but all of my fur friends, they mean so much more to me than any of my friends from school. Sure, I could do any of the above with my friends from school, but not all of it feels right, hugging, snuggling, cuddling, etc, I can't do with my friends from school, it just wouldn't feel the same.

I don't want it to be the way it is, but if I say this stuff to them, whether you think so or not, it would be like I'm guilt-tripping them. Yes, they would treat me different, but I don't want to be the one changing that.
And because of how close I am with most of them, they're not friends I can just say goodbye to.

* * *

Hi, Blitz,

This does seem like a fairly complicated situation you’re in. It sounds like your friends from school who are more your age are not furries, while your older friends are. You don’t say so directly, but it also sounds like you might be gay or bi and that some of your older furiends are as well, and you all like to snuggle and cuddle and such, which is nice. Even if you are straight, furries are very huggy creatures, openly affectionate, while nonfurries are not so much.

I’m still not clear on why it is that you can’t go and do the same things as your older friends. It doesn’t sound as if they are going anywhere that is age-restricted. You say they do things that you can’t, which, again, is not clear, unless you are suffering from some sort of physical disability that prevents you from doing these things. It doesn’t sound as if you are, since it sounds like you are perfectly capable of doing things with your same-age school buds, if you wished to, and you clearly wish to be included in your furiends’ activities, as well.

*Deep breath.* Okay, the way that Papabear is reading this is that your older furiends like to snuggle and hug you on their own good time, but they like to do things with people their own age when they go out on the town and don’t want to include you for whatever reason when they do this.

HOWEVER, when it comes to the annual furmeet, they want to include you. So, Papabear is going to interpret your email to mean that when the older furs are doing stuff without you, it is stuff that is not involving furries and they are embarrassed to have you tag along because of your age (in the teen years, a couple years’ difference is a big deal, whereas it isn’t so much later in life). BUT, when it is a furry event (and all furries know that everyone is welcome at a furmeet), then it is okay for you to come and they are not embarrassed.

In other words, these people are your friends when it is time to be a furry, and they are not being good friends when they are not doing furry things.

Papabear believes that when they asked you to come to the furmeet with them, they were sincere. They like you as a furry, and, if I were you, I would not believe that the invitation was just extended as a kind of charity.

It is wonderful to have furry friends, and many people join the fandom to find friends within it, and they do! However, Papabear believes that TRUE friends are those who are your friends both within and without the Fandom. Friends want to be with you at a furmeet, at the movies, in a restaurant, with their families, or wherever they might be because they like you for you. True friends do not make you feel lonely, rejected, and like a burden.

You say you are a shy person, and Papabear believes that, judging by your two letters. Even though it might be difficult for you, the best way to resolve your discomfort about your relationship with your furiends, including the one you feel so much love for, is to tell them how you feel. Lack of communication is the single biggest cause of trouble within any relationship, whether it is with a family member, a friend, a lover, or a spouse.

Please try talking to your furiends about how you feel. If they really are your friends, they might be a bit surprised by what you say, because they might not realize there is a problem, but they will still love you and hopefully include you in their activities.

If, on the other hand, they accuse you of being a “drama queen” and they reject your feelings as not being legitimate (and they ARE legitimate feelings!), then these people are not the kind of friends you need in your life. That might be harsh, and it might not be what you want to hear, but it is the truth.

As for friends your own age, while you might not know any furries at school, believe Papabear when he tells you that there are plenty of furries your own age out there. You just need to find them. I would recommend you do so, no matter which way it works out with your older furiends.

Good luck, Blitz. Papabear wishes you the best.

Hugs,

Papabear

Hi Papabear,

I've been apart of the furry community for a while now, but I never met a furry until I moved here about 3 months ago. I was searching to try and meet furries, and soon I found some and was integrated into a nice little furry circle of friends. I love it and they are all awesome. But other furries that are part of the official group and aren't in our circle of friends are for some odd reason bringing up drama from the past and it's gotten to the point where I may now be unwillingly involved and threatened to involve another furry friend of mine, scaring her to the point of leaving all of the fur groups and blocking everyone on FB who was a furry until this blew over.

The stuff that's happening is being blown way out of proportion and I want nothing to do with this other little group of troublemakers. All of this drama apparently started before I had joined and as much as my group of friends just want's nothing to do with it and back off, the other group has one individual that continues to harass us.

Me and my friends were debating dropping out of the current group and creating a new group just for us and people we invite to communicate and have fun without the drama and just forget about their harassment. But they were able to obtain things like my phone number and where I live when I don't store things like that on the internet. I also have the feeling that all they really want to do anyway is stir up drama. What should I do?

Thanks,

Troubled Fur



Dear Troubled Fur,

This is a little difficult for Papabear to answer as your letter does not give a lot of details, so it is hard to know exactly what is going on.  If I have this straight, you joined a group of furries that, apparently, had experienced a bit of drama with another “official” group of furries (not sure what makes their group more official than yours, but whatever) before you joined the group, and now this other group of furries won’t let it go, even though you have tried to put distance between you. It sounds, too, as if one furry in particular is causing most of the headaches.

It’s not clear to Papabear why they are targeting you, apparently, when you had nothing to do with the original issue. From what I can tell in your letter, it sounds like another case in which an irrational person wants to hurt other people in order to make him/herself feel better about his/her own life. In other words: a bully.

There are several ways of dealing with a bully. The best way, as you have already tried, is to ignore him or her until they get tired of trying to (unsuccessfully) annoy you and go away. Bullies thrive on attention, and they dry up and blow away like old dog feces in the desert sun when they are ignored.

Now, you don’t say that any of this has become physically threatening, so I will assume it hasn’t. On the other hand, it is very disturbing that, even though you did not make your contact information readily available online, this person has sought it out, found it out, and now has located you again and is again, apparently, bullying you.

Your next option is to confront the bully. Have you been able to talk to this person and try to straighten out the issue? Nine times out of ten, “drama” happens because of a misunderstanding. Effective communication can cause the other person to realize that he/she was all wrong and there was really nothing to be angry about.

Let’s say, next, that you either have tried to talk to this person and nothing was resolved, or you were unable to get them to talk to you. Now you are at the point where you need to double your efforts to cut this person out of your existence so you can get on with your life and have fun with your furiends.

The first thing you need to do is stop them from calling you. I’m sure you have already blocked them from contacting you online; now you can do the same thing with your phone. There are several apps you can download on your phone, including “Mr. Number” and “Call Block” that you can use to block someone from calling you from a particular number. These two are free, and there are also some that charge a small fee.  For your land line, if you have one, you need to contact your phone company, give them the offending number, and tell them to block it.

Now, if this person is actually coming to your HOME and harassing you, you have the law on your side. You can contact your local police and tell them you believe you are being stalked. You can even, in extreme cases, get a restraining order. You might, too, find out what your local cyberbullying and cyberharassing laws are. Recent tragedies have led lawmakers to beef up these laws to protect people who have reason to believe they are in serious danger. I’m not sure if this is the case with you—and I hope it isn’t!—but it can be your final resort.

An important step in making your case against being harassed is to document everything. Whenever this person calls you, write down the number, date, and time of the call and what transpired. If they send you emails or IMs, save them.  If they are writing you letters, save them.  If they come to your door, take pictures of them or record them on video, and if they ask you what you are doing, tell them you are keeping a record of what they are doing.

I really hope that the problems you are having with this bully are not that extreme and can be resolved with rational dialog, but I am trying to cover all the bases here, since I don’t know for sure what is going on.

If you can’t make this person go away by ignoring them, then do what Papabear does: get your grrr on! Stick up for yourself and defend your territory, which, in this case, is you and your friends having the right to enjoy being furries without fear of being harassed by petty people.

Good luck! Let Papabear know how it works out!

Bear Hugs,

Papabear

Hello, Papabear.

Why are people so upset with the thought of a third gender?
Furries, etc, seem to be mostly fine with it.

I'm an androgynous pseudohermaphrodite ("shemale," in porn terms) and I like myself, but people always seem to have a problem with that... I didn't become this, I grew into it, for the most part.

Some research showed me that men don't like it when you're attractive for them, while having a penis and women don't like that you're not a valid prey for them... :\

Do you know the answer?

Thanks,

Jen.

Dear Jen,

Wow, this is a big question. There’s no way I could give a fully satisfactory answer within the scope of the “Ask Papabear” column, but I will try and provide a little basic insight.

From what you say above, you are a male pseudohermaphrodite, in which you appear to be female at first glance but you have a penis. (I believe “androgynous pseudohermaphrodite” is redundant, but I could be wrong).  Pseudohermaphroditism is sometimes called being “intersex,” in which a person exhibits some characteristics of both genders. It’s not so much a “third sex” as it is a combination of the other two.  There is also female pseudohermaphroditism (having ovaries but outwardly male in appearance) and true hermaphroditism (having both ovaries and testes). I’m writing this for the benefit of my readers; I’m sure you already are familiar.

As to why men and women may be uncomfortable with your being androgynous, the answer is pretty basic. Human beings, as with all animals, are biologically programmed to reject individuals who would not make viable reproductive partners. This is the same reason why many people are cruel to and reject people who are different from them in other ways.  Humans, no matter how much we aggrandize ourselves and believe we are superior to other species, are just animals with big brains.  We still behave in very fundamental ways, for the most part, that have to do with survival of the fittest and reproduction. The results can sometimes be hurtful. Let’s face it, humans still have some evolving to do.

Of course, in a happier world, we would have all evolved beyond such prejudices and accept others for what they are. What matters, as you know, is what’s on the inside. You, Jen, have clearly accepted yourself. You like yourself, and that is so wonderful! Some hermaphrodites opt for surgery, but you are staying true to yourself.

But now you have a really tough task. If you don’t want to be alone in your life, you’re going to have a challenging time finding someone who accepts you for you. This is certainly not impossible; it’s just going to be tough.

You might wish to consider checking out the Intersex Society of North American at http://www.isna.org/ which lists some support groups and has more information on the subject.

I hope this helps, Jen. Good luck!

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Being a big Johnny Depp fan I went to see the movie on the merits of him being in it alone. I ended up enjoying the movie on it's own grounds and then being GREATLY surprised towards the end of the movie when younger Collens daughter turned into a werewolf and not a bad looking one either!!

Just putting this out there for any furs that have not seen the movie yet. I can't wait to get this on DVD so that I can cut out her scenes towards the end, sucks she was only in form all of 2-5min at best.

Lastly I have to say they did probably the best job at footpaws and digigrade legs I have ever seen in the movies, the rest of her form was still a good bit human though.

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i'm trying to find a fella that may go by AshtokaLarnia (or varieties of that spelling) that is a selfdescribed furry. does anyone know anyone like that? i'd like to email him.

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