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Dear Papa,
It's me again...I know by now you're probably wondering if I'll ever let you get any sleep.

Sadly, I haven't been sleeping right either last few nights. It doesn't sound like a furry issue, but since I'm a furry, it counts. Right? haha Anyway, I have had problems lately with very basic functions, eating, sleeping, drinking water. By problems, I mean I have been simply forgetting to do them. I can literally go a day, maybe more, without much filling up my time, and not eat anything at all. I don't get hungry or thirsty, at least not until I remind myself to eat or drink something, and this leads me to my second problem.

I gorge myself...

During a typical week, I will not eat much more than very light snacks every now and again during the day, and I'm satisfied, or at least sated for a good while. Every few days though, I will go to eat something just for the sake of not starving myself, and I find that I can't stop eating. I eat what's easy to get to first, then I get creative and cook (small) meals for myself. I eat until I'm not just full, but slightly sick and rather...discontentedly distended.

I never gain or lose weight, and my job keeps me regularly active all week, and in fact I haven't gained any weight in the last few years. Exactly 131 lbs. Same problem with the water too, nearly starve myself, then gorge myself.

As for sleep, I have no schedule what-so-ever. I can sleep during the day, or at night. My favorite time though is between 1 a.m. and 9 a.m. (probably an age thing). Now, I can go a long day at work, come home tired, and not sleep all night. I can go to bed at 10 p.m. feeling good, tired, and ready for bed, and wake up 11 hours later wondering if I'm dead or not because I over slept and woke up "sleep drugged" as they say. On my days off, I spend most of my time, rather inactive, at home, and all my entertainment comes from my PC. On those nights, I'll go to bed roughly 12:30 a.m. and wake up at a more decent time, but still feeling sleep drugged.

My theory is, it's a problem with my discipline level. That being said though, I don't know how to fix that. It is also starting to leak into my hygiene upkeep...

Details: (for convenience)
-Water problem roughly 3 months now
-Food problem roughly 4 months now
-Sleep problem roughly 6 months now
-Weight 131 lbs last 5+ years
-Height 5ft 6.5in
-Schedule fluctuates between busy week to dead week at the turn of a dime

As always, hope to hear your good advice, and I wish more people were able to help like you can.

*hugs from a distance due to slight personal BO*

Soren

* * *

Hi, Soren,

As you know, I'm not a doctor, but what you've written to me here sounds as if you might have a disorder of the hypothalamus. The hypothalamus regulates many things in the body, including sleep and appetite. I don't think you have an eating disorder such as anorexia, given what you wrote, so I'm concerned about this other issue. I would recommend--just to be safe--that you see a doctor and tell him about your eating and sleeping issues and see what he says. He (or she) might run some tests first and check things like hormone levels. There are also chemicals generated in your intestines and stomach that help regulate appetite, so he might check those levels as well. This isn't something immediately life threatening, but it is worth checking out.

Try that and then get back to me.

Hugs,

Papabear

* * *

I think that could be a big part of it, my brain clock being off, but the cause of that is most definitely my job. I work anywhere from 4-8 hours a day, at any time between 11 a.m. and 9 p.m. Along with no lunch break, all I get is one half hour break thrown randomly into my shift. There is no order. Other than that, I don't think anything would be causing my hypothalamus to act up.

Soren

* * *

Hi, Soren,

The reason I first thought of the hypothalamus (and many different things can cause issues there), is the combined food and sleep problems. Of course, it could be two different things you’re dealing with, not just one. 

Circadian rhythm disorder is another possibility about sleep, which just means you could feel overly tired or have insomnia or even narcolepsy because your sleep patterns have been disrupted.

Although you say you work irregularly—sometimes 4 hours a day, sometimes 8—the more important point is whether those 4 to 8 hours occur within the same time period (say, between 9 am and 5pm, or pretty close to that). Because what you need to do is set up a regular sleep schedule. If you sometimes work a day shift and sometimes a night shift, that would be very difficult, but it sounds to me as if you are always working during the day. Therefore, you should be able to set up a sleep routine. Let’s say that routine is to sleep between Midnight and 8 am. That’s fine because you are getting a full 8 hours of sleep. What you need to do is make a concerted effort to always be in bed at least 10-15 minutes before midnight. To help you sleep, you need to do the following:

1. The bed, of course, should be comfortable 
2. Lights out! All lights! 
3. Don’t leave the TV on.
4. Don’t leave loud music on (although soft music or things like tapes of ocean waves have been shown to help).
5. Stop all videogame playing at least an hour before going to bed (such games can really raise blood pressure and make you too hyper to fall asleep; you should really turn the computer off completely, too).
6. No caffeine at least 4 hours before bed.
7. No alcohol. Yes, alcohol can knock you out, but it isn’t the kind of restful sleep you need.
8. Temperature of the room should be comfortable.
9. You might employ a little meditation before bed, or prayer (Papabear always says a prayer before going to sleep).
10. Once in bed and comfortable, take a moment to notice your body. You might be surprised to notice that some of your muscles are tense. Focus on those muscles and consciously relax them. I often do this, starting with my toes and working my way up (I’m pretty much always a tense bear). When I accomplish this (and have been good about caffeine), I almost immediately fall asleep.

Studies have shown that getting good, restful sleep at least 7-8 hours a day will also help you keep your weight under control. Right now, this isn’t an issue for you, but you’re 18. When I was your age, I ate anything I wanted and remained 135 pounds—now I’m 220 *chuckles*.

Routine can also help with your meals. Take the time to have a good breakfast that includes proteins (eggs), whole grains, raw fresh fruit (i.e., not canned), yogurt, etc. It’s better to eat several smaller meals than 2-3 large meals. Always end the day with a lighter meal (don’t go to bed overly stuffed). I won’t lecture you on how to eat healthily; you probably already know that.

Eating well and sleeping at routine times are what will get you back to feeling like yourself again. You already know that, but perhaps some of my tips will help you.

Hugs,

Papabear

* * *

In regards to my last letter, I didn't have an appointment with any professional family doctor, because I couldn't afford the visit or the time away from work. But I did ask my mom who works for Parkland Hospital, so it's kinda the same, since she has good medical advice. [main reason I went to you first is cause I'm biased against mundanes] she said I need to fix my diet and eat more veggies and less sugar because I'm starving different glands in my body while making others dependent on my caffeine intake.

* * *

Hi,

I agree with your mom that reducing your sugar intake is a good idea, also caffeine (although this bear cannot survive without a cuppa joe in the morning). Also, avoid artificial sweeteners. Aspartame is poison, and the other artificial sweeteners are not much better. I often use stevia, when I need something sweet, or honey. Also, of course, raw fruits and veggies, whole grain breads, and nuts. As I said earlier, good diet and good sleep do wonders.

Hugs,
Papabear

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How good are your non-furry friend relationships? Are they strained?

I ask because recently I've gone over a lot of soul searching over a friend who is part of the furry fandom, while I have never been. It seems as though anything not related back to the fandom is less important and very easy to dismiss.

It's not that I have any problems with anything of the fandom, but just that it seems like our friendship has been strained by the fandom. I say this because we have a lot of combined interests, video games, board games, going out to play some Mini/disc golf, ect. Over time, the games have to have something furry in it, an anime needs an anthro character, a board game needs a furry expansion.

As someone not in the fandom, it's overwhelming to always have to come back around to something I'm not into. So is this how it somewhat is? Am I just finding this friend to be over the top?

Over 15 years, it's just something that's put a strain on a friendship, and I'd love some input on how everyone else handles friendships with us non-furs!

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Hello furries of Reddit, I have a question for all of you. What are your favorites?

1. Favorite food.
2. Favorite music.
3. Favorite activity.
4. Favorite accessory if you have one.

You can either answer as yourself and/or your fursona.

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Guest post by George Squares. George is a speculative fiction writer with a background in biological science. He enjoys discussing and researching pop culture and fandom history.

I had never been to a BDSM club. Yet, I was invited to do a paid talk at one August 9, 2015 hosted at the non-profit gay social venue Impulse in Charlottesville, Virginia. The BDSM group who rents space at the club monthly is made up of queer and straight members, and they hire speakers to cover topics they might find interesting or pertinent. Quite a few of them were interested in furry.

My opportunity to speak came from a chain reaction that started New Year’s Eve 2014 at a board game party. During a Cards Against Humanity round, a particularly unpleasant guest (who was not invited again) started railing on furries in a half-hearted attempt at humor. Two of my friends joined in on the heckling, and I finally decided to tell them that they had the wrong idea.

Confused and curious, my friends admitted that they didn’t know any furries. I politely informed them that they were wrong due to the presence of myself and my fiance. They were surprised and embarrassed, but it blew over quickly. It didn’t blow over for the unpleasant guest, whose heckling intensified, but he was not well-liked by the host, and he had a whirlwind of his own problems as the night wore on.

Furries weren’t joked about at subsequent parties. Consequently, at the beginning of July 2015, I was approached by one of the friends involved in the New Year’s Eve heckling. She asked: “This may be a long shot, but do you know any local authorities on furry in the area? We’d like one to make a presentation at our organization.”

Considering we don’t really have official authorities on the furry fandom, I told her I was familiar with furry communities. I talked about how I published furry stories and wrote essays on furries, and that’s how I got an offer to speak for fifty bucks.

I decided that if I was going to talk about furries, then I should show off how different furries can be from one another by comparing and contrasting pictures in a handout for the audience. After crowd sourcing from folks I knew on twitter, @pandezpanda, @escodingo, @hakirsh, and @tabernak allowed me show off their suits. The artists @gavunimpressive, @kihublue and @wryote gave me permission to display NSFW art. Wryote also allowed me to use her doodles for the headers in the handout I’d distribute during the talk. One of the most amazing and under-appreciated facets of furry is our ease of access to contacting primary source creators. (The products of publicly accessible businesses like Bad Dragon, Contact Caffeine and book publishers were mentioned, too, but they were not emphasized as much as the works of individual creators.)

Impulse, the venue, was decorated much like most of the home-brew gay bars I had seen before. Black-painted walls that turned several corners obfuscated the interior. Paper lamps, Christmas lights and a disco ball hung from the ceiling. The bar was decorated with lava lamps, fiber optic displays and an assortment of blinking lights that served as distractions. I was offered liquor, but I took a ginger ale because I wanted to calm my stomach. Across from the bar along the wall, a straight line of chairs held mostly older couples who quietly conversed. The wooden stage itself was lined with white Christmas lights.

Needless to say, I was nervous.

I introduced myself as a furry to a room full of strangers. I mentioned my fiction and essays, as well as my experiences with the community. From the beginning I relayed that I wanted the talk to be casual and conversational so questions could be asked throughout.

The crowd was tense at first, and so was I, but when I got the presentation rolling everybody loosened up and the questions flowed.

I had about 50 minutes to go over a wealth of information. Here are some of the topics that I covered:

• What is furry, and why can’t a definition be agreed upon?
• Can content be considered furry if the creator is not?
• Can somebody be a furry if they don’t even like suits?
• How much can these suits cost?
• Can furry be a kink and not a kink at the same time?
• Is furry a queer fandom?

After the presentation was finished and I got home, some friends on Twitter were curious about the types of questions asked. I had a lot of good ones, and wanted to share some of my favorites and how I responded to the best of my ability.

Q.  Are suits really all in the four thousand dollar range or is that just an extreme?

A. The prices of suits vary greatly but for a full suit four thousand is not an extreme price. Some suits have custom fur patterns, eyes, claws, wings, accessories, and have cooling systems installed. One of the most expensive suits I’ve seen was in the seven thousand dollar range. Suits are an investment. You can get just ears, a tail, or just a head for much cheaper though.

Q. Are all furries mammalian? What about the ones who have scales? (Another audience member actually mentioned scalies and everybody laughed.)

A. I still call them furries as an umbrella term for the sake of simplicity. Dragons are quite popular. Quite a few people are sharks. In furry it’s okay to say “I’m a shark,” and that’s totally acceptable. (There was a slight pause.) I’m not a shark though, actually. I’m a weasel. That’s my thing. Weasels even have a skype group where we banter with one another. (Somebody said weasels are a great animal in the crowd which felt like validation.)

Q. I noticed a lot… of inter-species relationships going on. Do furries of different species typically get along?

A. Most furries of different species do get along. Sometimes there are playful rivalries and generalizations get bandied about such as “foxes are sluts” or “lions are egomaniacs,” but it’s mostly in good fun. The best comparison I’d use is in the Harry Potter fandom. People assign the houses they’d be in for themselves, and enjoy coming up with characteristics for types of people who’d be Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, Slytherin, or Hufflepuff. It’s very much a team mentality kind of thing and much of it is friends provoking friends. There’s always somebody who can take it too far, though, but they are often the person who doesn’t get invited to parties.

Q. Why does the internet typically have a beef with furries but not whovians, otaku subculture, or trekkies?

A. I think there are a lot of reasons for this. I’ll go back to my quote: “Furry is not in itself a queer fandom, but it is one of the few where queer representation is common.” I used the furry poll from [adjective] [species] to give you a general idea of male demographics in the fandom and how most of them are either completely homosexual, bisexual, bisexual-leaning-straight or bisexual-leaning-gay. It makes sense that the furry fandom has a lot of graphic male sexuality in it. Furry was showing off dicks and messy homoeroticism before Glee, Modern Family, or Buffy dared to show even light queer representation in the media. The sexualization of men in modern media is in many cases considered less acceptable or artful than the sexualization of women. Video games and anime frequently display the egregious sexualization of women. Members of those respective subcultures are not as stigmatized or shunned because that media is considered appropriate for a young male audience. This is not necessarily the only or even the correct reason furry has a stigma, but I strongly believe it is a large part of it.

Another reason might be that furry provides so many scenes and content for kink.  Just like with any group, some content will never be for you, and it is easy to squick people out with the kinks that they don’t enjoy. I heard an audience member currently in the crowd talk about babyfurs before this presentation, and this is a group that often gets stigmatized by other furries because some kinksters might find this kink far weirder than their own. Adult babies exist independent of furry, too, and there are documentaries on them like The 15-Stone Babies.

In fact, there was a group called the Burned Furs which lead to a lot of anti-kink uprisals in the fandom where furries would seek out members they deemed perverts, expose them, and shame them out of the fandom. (Some shocked noises came from the crowd.) Considering how prevalent kink still is in furry, it’s reasonable to believe they weren’t successful. But shaming groups still exist.

Q. Perhaps another reason is the presence of animal genitalia? (This was started by one member of an older couple and his partner nodded and agreed vocally.)

A. That’s definitely a thing. In fact, there have been threads where about a thousand or so people get into giant arguments on whether it’s acceptable for a sentient gay anthro dog to have a human penis, a dog penis, or if this is even a thing that should matter. Similar arguments can be made about the anatomical correctness of a dragon penis, which is impossible considering that a dragon doesn’t exist.

Q. So furries can get into huge arguments over the internet over dumb shit, just like in kink. We do have something in common. (The whole room laughed. Another question was asked immediately after.)

Q. Are furries always coming up with characters, or multiple characters? Why?

A. The evolution and growth of the furry fandom coincided with the internet age. Consider that many queer, teenage furries living in conservative areas might feel isolated and seek friends or lovers through an alias without the fear of being kicked out of their home.

But also consider that many furries are into creative endeavors like acting, dancing, art, and writing and the idea of creating characters is fun to them. An artist might come up with a character design, sell it to a customer, and the customer uses the character sheet to use as a design for a costume. In this way, furry promotes a creative art engine enabling the joy of character creation while also protecting some of society’s most vulnerable members.

Q. Furries are so cool, but I never know how to approach them in character! It’s like trying to talk to a member of the Society for Creative Anachronism in full plate armor. I feel like I’m from a different world!

A. That’s because most fursuiters are in the middle of a performance. It’s easier to get to know them when they’re out of suit, or at online places like Twitter or Tumblr. Some fursuiters are very casual about their suiting, but that’s typically difficult to gauge without knowing them, first.

Q. If I want to go to a convention to get my brains fucked out– serious question– would the convention hold something like that for kink groups?

There are things like rope sessions and kink panels at conventions, and some are designed for that purpose, but most of the sex that happens will be between adults who already know each other beforehand in hotel rooms, some of which are room parties. If you want to go to a con to have sex and don’t know anybody, you very likely won’t have a good time if that’s what you are looking forward to most.

There were more questions, which I took to be a good sign, but those were the highlights. After I finished, my friend thanked me for the presentation and I got a decent amount of applause. People hung around me after the talk, wanting to ask more questions, wanting more furry resources and contact information. They had warmed up to me considerably. The younger people seemed more enthused, but several older folks were too, and the bubbliest forty-year-old woman I had ever met was bouncing with delight.

A particularly insightful member noticed that there’s a lot of intersection in what kink groups go through and what furry goes through, too. I felt like I made a meaningful connection with this group, and it’s a funny, fuzzy feeling when words and images alone can foster so much mutual understanding between people. It was a great experience, and I hope I can do it again some time.

The full handout that I used for the talk can be found here. The handout has several NSFW images.