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Categories: News
Grandmother Is Giving Her Grief over Boyfriend
Dear Papabear,
Hello, as you can tell my name is Mai Tsukino. As of now I've been going through a really rough patch in my life and I cannot seem to shake it. I was hoping maybe you could give me some advice as to better handle my problem.
Very recently I had broken up with my ex-mate, to which was a smart idea as he was very controlling and lived in a different country than I; but not even shortly after the break up, I found someone else. He has been very kind and has treated me well and does all he can to make me happy, which has been a great help, but yet a hindrance as well. Let me explain it a little bit better.
I was living with my grandparents, both of which are strong Christians and are good people, but they also try and force their beliefs onto me. I am not very religious, not to say I don't believe there is something out there, I just do not believe in God as they do. I respect everyone's beliefs, but my grandmother, Gram, believes I do not OR she believes I'm her Christian granddaughter. I'm not quite sure which, but I'm leaning more towards the Christian granddaughter.
That's part of what caused this huge problem.
Gram heard about my break up and she was thrilled, mainly as she did not like my ex-mate and his language, not that I can blame her too much. But she also said she liked it because she believed I would not get pregnant over the relationship. So in some aspects I understand what she means, but yet I'm so very confused. I have just learned to go with it in all honesty. However, once Gram learned of my new mate she seemed extremely happy. Her eyes had lit up, she seemed to be in a MUCH happier state.
After I had ended classes, as I'm in college, he and I went to my grandparents' place to meet them. I wanted to introduce him and such so that way Gram could get to know him a bit better. We went to dinner and he talked about himself. I did not know if it was good or bad, but not even a few days later I had helped him.
My mate is not in the best of conditions with money. His family is in very low income and sometimes cannot afford certain things, such as food or gas for him to get to class. That said, I had done something EXTREMELY stupid on my part. The car he was in had ran out of gas and his mother asked me to push their car with my grandmother's car. I stupidly agreed and that was my biggest mistake yet. He did get to class on time, but I also got into trouble for pushing the car with the car I was driving.
Nothing was damaged, but it was a dumb mistake. After I got the car to a gas station, which was just down the road a little ways, I gave them $16 USD to put in the car. Once Gram found out she through a HUGE fit about it. She said that they were taking advantage of me and that they should have had the money in the first place.
That was NOT the reaction I was hoping for. I say that as Gram runs a Food Pantry, that is for those who need food and cannot afford it. She also taught me to help others in need and do what you can. I thought she would be proud of me for HELPING. I do understand that pushing their car was stupid. I still acknowledge it and still feel horrible for it, and it has been at least 2 months since it happened.
Now the big problem has arisen. Gram had insulted my mate and his family almost every night after that incident. She called them filthy, poor, and manipulative. I had become very upset and depressed, almost like when I was with my ex-mate. I would cry for hours because it hurt when she insulted him. It's because I feel connected to him, more than I have with any other person in my life. I feel as though I'm being insulted as well for liking him. It hurts because I don't want anyone to hurt him.
Soon Gram had asked me a question after I had stayed at his place for 4 days. "Are you being slutty?" I looked at her and snapped, I don't remember fully what I said, but I believe it was something along the lines of, "Thanks for calling me a slut!"
It did not help that I had to go to class when she asked me that, because I was crying and wanted to just kill myself. It was horrible because she continued to bother me about things similar to that. Then one night, just before I was going to visit my mate for a week, Gram was talking with me. She called him dirty, poor, and manipulative once again, along with his family. I told her that they weren't and such, but she would not hear it. I started to cry again, and just as she left she said something along the lines of, "Fine! Go get pregnant!"
After that I felt betrayed. I was crying and curled up in the chair I was in. I could not help but wish to die. All I could feel was emptiness and loneliness. I was crying so much that I almost committed suicide. I stopped because I knew that it was taking the easy way out and that it would hurt my mate if I did.
By now I had stayed with my mate and his family. Gram was calling me and such, getting on my nerves because she continued to view them as evil. Then one night at exactly 11:38 PM she called me. She sounded like she was crying, but yet it sounded so fake.
"Are you okay?! Are they holding you against your will?!"
I paused, trying to keep composure as it almost made me laugh.
"THEY ARE!"
I told her they weren't and that it was 11:30 at night and that I was going to bed. I then hung up on her and went to bed.
Since then I felt that she just wanted to control how I lived. I say that as I was spoiled rotten. She would wait on me and such, to which now I realize was completely selfish of me. However, I also felt that it was... Right in a way. She is my grandmother, someone I would visit as a little girl. She'd do that for me every day. It was sort of programmed in my head, and I realize that now.
Now I have decided to move in with my mate. It has been rough, but yet I feel like it was right. Gram was making me cry every night about how she hated my mate and his family. I just had no home to go to that did not feel... Like I was being bullied.
Since moving in with my mate, I've learned to be more self reliant. I'm still selfish and do want to be waited on, but I'm growing up more. I help do dishes, I help clean up, I help watch the animals. And when we have to watch three little girls, to which I'd rather not go into full detail about, I help.
But I'm also feeling like I'm a bit of a slave too. It's different because I've been helping pay for the diapers when the girls are there, I help get milk. I do a LOT of the shopping and I'm not even able to have ALL my money. It's because Gram decided that since I was making an irrational move in seeing my mate she'd take all my savings.
She believes that I'd spend it on wasteful things. I explained to her that I wasn't and that the money was going for a car, to which we planned. I had no other plans so her taking all that money felt wrong and I don't believe she had, let alone has, the right to be doing that to me. Though, she has and I'm only left with a little bit of my money to pay for rent that I have for living with my mate.
I even have gone to my doctor, mainly for a physical and such, but my grandmother had even contacted him! I found out because he told me and then he even said he had read the letter, which I later found out was against some privacy policy. I'm starting to get a bit uneasy with EVERYTHING and it's becoming... Bothering.
Now my big question is, has all of this happened to tell me that I've done something wrong? I ask because I feel that I've done a LOT and haven't gotten much in return. I do love being with my mate, but I also feel like... I'm being forced into things and I'm starting to get the feeling that I'm just working and not going to get things back. I would like to know your opinion because I'm starting to doubt a lot of people, even myself.
Thank you,
Mai Tsukino
PS: Sorry for the long question.
* * *
Dear Mai,
I don’t have Gram’s side of the story, but from what you are saying here she is guilty of three things: 1) trying to control your life with threats (taking away promised savings), 2) having a double standard about helping others (she runs a food pantry yet is very condescending about the poor), and 3) calling you a slut. None of these is very flattering toward her character, unfortunately, and the name calling is particularly offensive. She clearly doesn’t trust your ability to make wise decisions for yourself. This is not to say she doesn’t love you; I’m sure she does. However, some people have funny notions about what love is. Your Gram is being overprotective, and her fears about your safety are causing her to react in a bad way.
As for you, it sounds like you have learned to be a giving and kind person. I understand, too, that in the past you enjoyed being taken care of by your Gram and that you might feel a bit miffed that you are doing a lot for your boyfriend now and not getting much help back. These are natural emotions. I’ve felt them myself at times. What you need to do is decide for yourself whether or not your love for your mate trumps any financial and other difficulties your relationship demands of you. There are many people out there who lead financially stable and comfortable relationships but who feel unloved. Usually, when you ask them, they would rather have someone who loves them and have little money to spare than to have lots of money and feel utterly alone and unloved. Not always the case, but a lot of the time it is.
You need to make that decision. How much do you love this mate of yours? Does he make you feel happy? Does he make you feel loved in return? Or, do you think he is just taking advantage of you and making you help around the house and assist with finances?
Either way, that is for you to determine, not your Gram. I think you are old enough to find your own path, and she is not helping. You need to talk to her and tell her, without prevarication, how she has made you feel (and without shouting) and that what she has been doing has been damaging your relationship. Tell her you know she loves you and you love her, but she is hurting you. Does she really wish to hurt you? She might not be aware of what she is doing.
To summarize this answer, no, you haven’t done anything wrong. You just need to get your bearings and figure out better where you stand, both with your Gram and with your mate.
Let me know how it goes. Good luck!
Papabear
Hello, as you can tell my name is Mai Tsukino. As of now I've been going through a really rough patch in my life and I cannot seem to shake it. I was hoping maybe you could give me some advice as to better handle my problem.
Very recently I had broken up with my ex-mate, to which was a smart idea as he was very controlling and lived in a different country than I; but not even shortly after the break up, I found someone else. He has been very kind and has treated me well and does all he can to make me happy, which has been a great help, but yet a hindrance as well. Let me explain it a little bit better.
I was living with my grandparents, both of which are strong Christians and are good people, but they also try and force their beliefs onto me. I am not very religious, not to say I don't believe there is something out there, I just do not believe in God as they do. I respect everyone's beliefs, but my grandmother, Gram, believes I do not OR she believes I'm her Christian granddaughter. I'm not quite sure which, but I'm leaning more towards the Christian granddaughter.
That's part of what caused this huge problem.
Gram heard about my break up and she was thrilled, mainly as she did not like my ex-mate and his language, not that I can blame her too much. But she also said she liked it because she believed I would not get pregnant over the relationship. So in some aspects I understand what she means, but yet I'm so very confused. I have just learned to go with it in all honesty. However, once Gram learned of my new mate she seemed extremely happy. Her eyes had lit up, she seemed to be in a MUCH happier state.
After I had ended classes, as I'm in college, he and I went to my grandparents' place to meet them. I wanted to introduce him and such so that way Gram could get to know him a bit better. We went to dinner and he talked about himself. I did not know if it was good or bad, but not even a few days later I had helped him.
My mate is not in the best of conditions with money. His family is in very low income and sometimes cannot afford certain things, such as food or gas for him to get to class. That said, I had done something EXTREMELY stupid on my part. The car he was in had ran out of gas and his mother asked me to push their car with my grandmother's car. I stupidly agreed and that was my biggest mistake yet. He did get to class on time, but I also got into trouble for pushing the car with the car I was driving.
Nothing was damaged, but it was a dumb mistake. After I got the car to a gas station, which was just down the road a little ways, I gave them $16 USD to put in the car. Once Gram found out she through a HUGE fit about it. She said that they were taking advantage of me and that they should have had the money in the first place.
That was NOT the reaction I was hoping for. I say that as Gram runs a Food Pantry, that is for those who need food and cannot afford it. She also taught me to help others in need and do what you can. I thought she would be proud of me for HELPING. I do understand that pushing their car was stupid. I still acknowledge it and still feel horrible for it, and it has been at least 2 months since it happened.
Now the big problem has arisen. Gram had insulted my mate and his family almost every night after that incident. She called them filthy, poor, and manipulative. I had become very upset and depressed, almost like when I was with my ex-mate. I would cry for hours because it hurt when she insulted him. It's because I feel connected to him, more than I have with any other person in my life. I feel as though I'm being insulted as well for liking him. It hurts because I don't want anyone to hurt him.
Soon Gram had asked me a question after I had stayed at his place for 4 days. "Are you being slutty?" I looked at her and snapped, I don't remember fully what I said, but I believe it was something along the lines of, "Thanks for calling me a slut!"
It did not help that I had to go to class when she asked me that, because I was crying and wanted to just kill myself. It was horrible because she continued to bother me about things similar to that. Then one night, just before I was going to visit my mate for a week, Gram was talking with me. She called him dirty, poor, and manipulative once again, along with his family. I told her that they weren't and such, but she would not hear it. I started to cry again, and just as she left she said something along the lines of, "Fine! Go get pregnant!"
After that I felt betrayed. I was crying and curled up in the chair I was in. I could not help but wish to die. All I could feel was emptiness and loneliness. I was crying so much that I almost committed suicide. I stopped because I knew that it was taking the easy way out and that it would hurt my mate if I did.
By now I had stayed with my mate and his family. Gram was calling me and such, getting on my nerves because she continued to view them as evil. Then one night at exactly 11:38 PM she called me. She sounded like she was crying, but yet it sounded so fake.
"Are you okay?! Are they holding you against your will?!"
I paused, trying to keep composure as it almost made me laugh.
"THEY ARE!"
I told her they weren't and that it was 11:30 at night and that I was going to bed. I then hung up on her and went to bed.
Since then I felt that she just wanted to control how I lived. I say that as I was spoiled rotten. She would wait on me and such, to which now I realize was completely selfish of me. However, I also felt that it was... Right in a way. She is my grandmother, someone I would visit as a little girl. She'd do that for me every day. It was sort of programmed in my head, and I realize that now.
Now I have decided to move in with my mate. It has been rough, but yet I feel like it was right. Gram was making me cry every night about how she hated my mate and his family. I just had no home to go to that did not feel... Like I was being bullied.
Since moving in with my mate, I've learned to be more self reliant. I'm still selfish and do want to be waited on, but I'm growing up more. I help do dishes, I help clean up, I help watch the animals. And when we have to watch three little girls, to which I'd rather not go into full detail about, I help.
But I'm also feeling like I'm a bit of a slave too. It's different because I've been helping pay for the diapers when the girls are there, I help get milk. I do a LOT of the shopping and I'm not even able to have ALL my money. It's because Gram decided that since I was making an irrational move in seeing my mate she'd take all my savings.
She believes that I'd spend it on wasteful things. I explained to her that I wasn't and that the money was going for a car, to which we planned. I had no other plans so her taking all that money felt wrong and I don't believe she had, let alone has, the right to be doing that to me. Though, she has and I'm only left with a little bit of my money to pay for rent that I have for living with my mate.
I even have gone to my doctor, mainly for a physical and such, but my grandmother had even contacted him! I found out because he told me and then he even said he had read the letter, which I later found out was against some privacy policy. I'm starting to get a bit uneasy with EVERYTHING and it's becoming... Bothering.
Now my big question is, has all of this happened to tell me that I've done something wrong? I ask because I feel that I've done a LOT and haven't gotten much in return. I do love being with my mate, but I also feel like... I'm being forced into things and I'm starting to get the feeling that I'm just working and not going to get things back. I would like to know your opinion because I'm starting to doubt a lot of people, even myself.
Thank you,
Mai Tsukino
PS: Sorry for the long question.
* * *
Dear Mai,
I don’t have Gram’s side of the story, but from what you are saying here she is guilty of three things: 1) trying to control your life with threats (taking away promised savings), 2) having a double standard about helping others (she runs a food pantry yet is very condescending about the poor), and 3) calling you a slut. None of these is very flattering toward her character, unfortunately, and the name calling is particularly offensive. She clearly doesn’t trust your ability to make wise decisions for yourself. This is not to say she doesn’t love you; I’m sure she does. However, some people have funny notions about what love is. Your Gram is being overprotective, and her fears about your safety are causing her to react in a bad way.
As for you, it sounds like you have learned to be a giving and kind person. I understand, too, that in the past you enjoyed being taken care of by your Gram and that you might feel a bit miffed that you are doing a lot for your boyfriend now and not getting much help back. These are natural emotions. I’ve felt them myself at times. What you need to do is decide for yourself whether or not your love for your mate trumps any financial and other difficulties your relationship demands of you. There are many people out there who lead financially stable and comfortable relationships but who feel unloved. Usually, when you ask them, they would rather have someone who loves them and have little money to spare than to have lots of money and feel utterly alone and unloved. Not always the case, but a lot of the time it is.
You need to make that decision. How much do you love this mate of yours? Does he make you feel happy? Does he make you feel loved in return? Or, do you think he is just taking advantage of you and making you help around the house and assist with finances?
Either way, that is for you to determine, not your Gram. I think you are old enough to find your own path, and she is not helping. You need to talk to her and tell her, without prevarication, how she has made you feel (and without shouting) and that what she has been doing has been damaging your relationship. Tell her you know she loves you and you love her, but she is hurting you. Does she really wish to hurt you? She might not be aware of what she is doing.
To summarize this answer, no, you haven’t done anything wrong. You just need to get your bearings and figure out better where you stand, both with your Gram and with your mate.
Let me know how it goes. Good luck!
Papabear
Free Comic Book Day furry comic Previews
Author: crossaffliction Free Comic Book Day 2013 is May 4; stop by your local comic book store and pick a few up. (And maybe buy a few other things while you’re there. That’s the general idea, anyway.) read more Find the full article here: flayrah – furry food for thought Creative Commons: Full post may [...]
Categories: News
To be Honest…
Fur Affinity wanted to give some clarification on what seems to be older rules. Seems this is causing some uproar (no pun intended) in the community for the general guidelines of uploading art to sell. From what I can see (and I’m not a seller), it seems you can upload items and be limited to how you post them. Those who sell one item eg. fursuits or digital art must set ONE price for those items and can not vary the costs. *CLICK MORE TO READ MY TAKE*
This blog writer sees it just like this: THIS IS NOT AN ART SITE FOR SELLING!! FA was made to post for journals and furries spouting off about things. The site is NOT designed to sell art and fursuits, therefore it is not able to handle rules of that nature. I mean if you wanted to have site that does that, then you’d make one just like I tried in the past. It’s a pretty simple logic… Customer pays > Artist asks how you want it > Artist draws > Customer gets art in a timely fashion. Now while this process it a complete disaster, because there is no way to handle such transactions perfectly. What gives FA the right to start man handling these rules?
*deep breath* Okay, I DO NOT dislike FA I think it’s VERY popular and many use the site frequently, but if you are to lay down rules you shouldn’t lay them onto a site that can not handle it. That’s my take on how this thing rolls out and I hope others see the same. Let FA have their way though, because we praise them for the popularity of everyone going there to see what is going on in the fandom.
ORIGINAL LINK
Categories: News
Daily Show: January 30, 2013 - Time for comments! In this episode we read what you've sent to us over the past month. Listen to us discuss your thoughts on air! - Hosts: Crimson X, Ice_Fire, Levi, Wolfin - Podcast picture by micromoth
Time for comments! In this episode we read what you’ve sent to us over the past month. Listen to us discuss your thoughts on air!
Hosts: Crimson X, Ice_Fire, Levi, Wolfin
Podcast picture by micromoth
Categories: Podcasts
Kyell Gold withdraws from Ursa Majors to give others a go
Author: GreenReaper Twelve-times Ursa Major Award winner Kyell Gold has announced his withdrawal from the Best Novel and Best Short Story categories this year, and for “a few more going forwards”, to ensure that other authors win: There is precedent in other awards for frequent winners stepping back. One of the people on the Ursa [...]
Categories: News
I'm a new furry... Just want to tell you guys how much I am grateful for this great community!
I'm kind of a new furry. Been in the fanbase for two years, but didn't really start to interact with it before last year, and I've got to say, it gave me hope...
I was sad and depressed, giving up on people, but then, an old friend said I should start to use FurAffinity... I think everyone here knows what's that website XD Anyways, I was amazed... I was never before in front of such a happy, welcoming and caring community before! Soon, I felt like I was home and I want to know more furries, and definitely make friends with some... Last year was quite busy for me, so while I was amazed and welcomed by the community, I didn't have time to interact much... And I hope this year will be a better one :)
I can be sure of one thing: the furry community saved my life :) I love you guys! <3
submitted by ADatt[link] [38 comments]
Categories: News
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What is your favorite furry story?
Story Pic - A bad shot of me, but its my favorite furry story.
This is my first time posting here so ill introduce my self. Hi i'm v3r50n, I am a straight furry that loves wearing furry stuff. Most people are socked when I do it or make fun of the idea, but I am a man who simply does not give a fuck. Anyways my favorite story...
I was at a WOTS event (kinda like larping but remove the role playing and add more fighting as hard as you can. Like hard enough to break bones) and it was a camp out. The people I was staying with at the camp out had a little girl who came over to me and asked if she could wear my hat. I then proceeded to tell her that it was not a hat it was actually my head and that I was a real wolf. After that she believed me and demanded to ride the wolf (as you can see in the picture above). It was kind of fun to play around with her as a wolf even though I was not a big fan of kids. She actually cried at one point when I had to go leave the camp to fight a huge battle (made me feel really guilty). However at the end of the day I was tired after fighting all day and wanted to take a quick nap in a chair. I woke up to my hat being ripped off (she was trying to tug at my ear to wake me up) and was like "Hey!! your not a wolf!"
But I would love to hear your guys favorite stories! add your story and post a link to a picture if you have one!
submitted by v3r50n[link] [16 comments]
Categories: News
Wife Dealing with Deadbeat Husband
Dear Papa bear,
I got married a little over a year ago to a wonderful, amazing and supportive husband. He is all I ever asked for, and more. When we first got together we were both employed at Wendy's, and I was living out of my van. We decided to pack up and move to my mom's house, three hundred miles north. There we both suffered six months of unemployment, until he finally signed up for MBUSI, a training/internship program at Mercedes Benz/Shelton State Uni. I also found a job. We were pretty well off for about a year. The program is only two years long and when you finish you get a maintenance position at $14.50 an hour, and we planned on it for our future.
Unfortunately, a little over a year into the program, our cars began falling apart, and my drug addict mother stole money from us. This ended in us abruptly moving back down south to live with HIS parents. It's pretty nice here, his grandparents fixed up our car, and I've been working as a full time artist from home. Here is where the problem starts.
My husband is not pulling his weight. At. All. I work from six to eight hours a day, destroying my wrists, back and eyes trying to pay our bills. All I ask of him is that he put in applications, and keep the house clean. Easy, right? Well, it's been two months and he has only put in four job applications, and does not clean unless physically forced to do so. He whines and complains about doing the dishes, cleaning the toilet, doing laundry, etc. And when he DOES put in an application or clean our room, he acts like it's the best thing he's ever done, and wants praise and all that.
So he sits around all day, playing video games and hanging out with his friend, when he could be out looking for a job. Or cleaning this filthy house.
And he has the nerve to call ME lazy.
I've tried begging, pleading, screaming, reasoning, crying, sweetly asking, threatening, talking, and everything else. He will agree with me, we will cry and make up, and then he will put in one application, do a dish or two, and then go right back to his old habits.
Frankly, I'm exhausted, I'm tired, I'm fed up, I can't take it anymore. I have a bulging disc in my spine, fibromyalgia, carpal tunnel, hypersomnia, and hypothyroidism, I hurt all the time, I am worn to the bone. He's a frikken college grad, excellent physical condition, no disorders, with a year of machining tech under his belt, six years of work experience, and he won't. do. anything.
It has come to the point where I am considering leaving him. I don't want to. I love him. He is the light of my life. But I think it is the only way to make him see how much he is hurting me, and what life would be like without my income and support.
And yes, we communicate very well, and I have told him everything I've told you. And it has had no effect.
I am so lost and confused.
Waits
* * *
Hi, Waits,
The male psyche can be a mystery to the female and vice versa. This is a case in point. As a male, I think I might be able to shed a little light on this, or at least try.
In the beginning of your relationship, you were equals, both working at Wendy’s. Then, your husband finished his training and got a good job, making him the top dollar earner. Men like this. They like to feel like the bread winner and that they are taking care of their spouses and leading the way to a stable and happy home.
Then everything reversed. The car situation happened and his mother screwed you over. Suddenly, you both are depending on your family and you are the top bread winner while he has been relegated to “womanly” duties of cleaning the house. Now, I know that sounds chauvinistic—and it is—but it is still how the psyche of the male often works. An example from my own life: when I was married my wife took charge of the bills and the checking account. We were married 15 years before she “permitted” me to have a credit card in my name, even though I was a very responsible person and, for most of the marriage, earned as much or more than she did. How did it make me feel? Well, emasculated, really. Like a second-class citizen in the marriage. I agreed to it because it made her happy, I felt, but the spouse that controls the checkbook controls the marriage. True, really. It’s still rather amusing to me that after the divorce she seemed stunned that I had no problem balancing a checkbook.
My suspicion is that your husband is feeling like “less of a man” because you are in charge, really, making money while he is told to clean up the house. He feels powerless, and when one feels powerless it is really really difficult to get motivated—hence, his struggle to apply for work. The fact that you are in pain from your various ills only exacerbates his guilt and makes him feel more like a loser. It is very easy when this happens to retreat into videogames or, worse, things like booze and drugs. Thankfully, that doesn’t seem to have happened, yet.
So, what can you do? Yelling doesn’t work. Cajoling. Begging. Asking sweetly. None of that works, as you know. Why? Because however you approach it, you are taking the in-charge role and making him feel like he’s no longer an equal. You’re in charge; he’s to do as asked.
What he needs is an ego boost to feel like he is a man again. Now, I’m not sure what all is involved in your art business, but have you tried this? Ask him to be a partner in your business. Perhaps he can help with your website, taking orders, marketing, finding new clients. Although you are the artist, he can be an equal partner by being your business manager. Let him handle the money side and give you reports on how you are doing. As someone who is his own businessman, I can tell you that being an editor involves more than just editing; I have to handle all aspects of my business, and it would be a great thing for me if all I had to worry about was the editing process and have someone else handle my bills, finding clients, doing my website and so on. Don’t just ask him to do menial stuff like housework; ask him to be a partner in your business. He needs to share a little power in the relationship; to feel he has some respect from you, and believe me, respect is very important for the male ego.
Once he feels like a partner again and not second fiddle in the marriage, his self-respect will improve and this will improve his mood and make him feel he can take charge of his life again, including looking for jobs for which he is qualified.
I hope this helps. Let me know how it goes, and good luck with your business!
Papabear
I got married a little over a year ago to a wonderful, amazing and supportive husband. He is all I ever asked for, and more. When we first got together we were both employed at Wendy's, and I was living out of my van. We decided to pack up and move to my mom's house, three hundred miles north. There we both suffered six months of unemployment, until he finally signed up for MBUSI, a training/internship program at Mercedes Benz/Shelton State Uni. I also found a job. We were pretty well off for about a year. The program is only two years long and when you finish you get a maintenance position at $14.50 an hour, and we planned on it for our future.
Unfortunately, a little over a year into the program, our cars began falling apart, and my drug addict mother stole money from us. This ended in us abruptly moving back down south to live with HIS parents. It's pretty nice here, his grandparents fixed up our car, and I've been working as a full time artist from home. Here is where the problem starts.
My husband is not pulling his weight. At. All. I work from six to eight hours a day, destroying my wrists, back and eyes trying to pay our bills. All I ask of him is that he put in applications, and keep the house clean. Easy, right? Well, it's been two months and he has only put in four job applications, and does not clean unless physically forced to do so. He whines and complains about doing the dishes, cleaning the toilet, doing laundry, etc. And when he DOES put in an application or clean our room, he acts like it's the best thing he's ever done, and wants praise and all that.
So he sits around all day, playing video games and hanging out with his friend, when he could be out looking for a job. Or cleaning this filthy house.
And he has the nerve to call ME lazy.
I've tried begging, pleading, screaming, reasoning, crying, sweetly asking, threatening, talking, and everything else. He will agree with me, we will cry and make up, and then he will put in one application, do a dish or two, and then go right back to his old habits.
Frankly, I'm exhausted, I'm tired, I'm fed up, I can't take it anymore. I have a bulging disc in my spine, fibromyalgia, carpal tunnel, hypersomnia, and hypothyroidism, I hurt all the time, I am worn to the bone. He's a frikken college grad, excellent physical condition, no disorders, with a year of machining tech under his belt, six years of work experience, and he won't. do. anything.
It has come to the point where I am considering leaving him. I don't want to. I love him. He is the light of my life. But I think it is the only way to make him see how much he is hurting me, and what life would be like without my income and support.
And yes, we communicate very well, and I have told him everything I've told you. And it has had no effect.
I am so lost and confused.
Waits
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Hi, Waits,
The male psyche can be a mystery to the female and vice versa. This is a case in point. As a male, I think I might be able to shed a little light on this, or at least try.
In the beginning of your relationship, you were equals, both working at Wendy’s. Then, your husband finished his training and got a good job, making him the top dollar earner. Men like this. They like to feel like the bread winner and that they are taking care of their spouses and leading the way to a stable and happy home.
Then everything reversed. The car situation happened and his mother screwed you over. Suddenly, you both are depending on your family and you are the top bread winner while he has been relegated to “womanly” duties of cleaning the house. Now, I know that sounds chauvinistic—and it is—but it is still how the psyche of the male often works. An example from my own life: when I was married my wife took charge of the bills and the checking account. We were married 15 years before she “permitted” me to have a credit card in my name, even though I was a very responsible person and, for most of the marriage, earned as much or more than she did. How did it make me feel? Well, emasculated, really. Like a second-class citizen in the marriage. I agreed to it because it made her happy, I felt, but the spouse that controls the checkbook controls the marriage. True, really. It’s still rather amusing to me that after the divorce she seemed stunned that I had no problem balancing a checkbook.
My suspicion is that your husband is feeling like “less of a man” because you are in charge, really, making money while he is told to clean up the house. He feels powerless, and when one feels powerless it is really really difficult to get motivated—hence, his struggle to apply for work. The fact that you are in pain from your various ills only exacerbates his guilt and makes him feel more like a loser. It is very easy when this happens to retreat into videogames or, worse, things like booze and drugs. Thankfully, that doesn’t seem to have happened, yet.
So, what can you do? Yelling doesn’t work. Cajoling. Begging. Asking sweetly. None of that works, as you know. Why? Because however you approach it, you are taking the in-charge role and making him feel like he’s no longer an equal. You’re in charge; he’s to do as asked.
What he needs is an ego boost to feel like he is a man again. Now, I’m not sure what all is involved in your art business, but have you tried this? Ask him to be a partner in your business. Perhaps he can help with your website, taking orders, marketing, finding new clients. Although you are the artist, he can be an equal partner by being your business manager. Let him handle the money side and give you reports on how you are doing. As someone who is his own businessman, I can tell you that being an editor involves more than just editing; I have to handle all aspects of my business, and it would be a great thing for me if all I had to worry about was the editing process and have someone else handle my bills, finding clients, doing my website and so on. Don’t just ask him to do menial stuff like housework; ask him to be a partner in your business. He needs to share a little power in the relationship; to feel he has some respect from you, and believe me, respect is very important for the male ego.
Once he feels like a partner again and not second fiddle in the marriage, his self-respect will improve and this will improve his mood and make him feel he can take charge of his life again, including looking for jobs for which he is qualified.
I hope this helps. Let me know how it goes, and good luck with your business!
Papabear